« Stack 'em high | HomePage | What? »
07/20/2006
Hard Science
From the Mother-Baby Sleep Laboratory at the University of Notre Dame comes this thorough paper on why letting your children Cry It Out is not a sensible option for parents.
Interestingly someone on the Continuum Concept email list (the source of the link) made the point that there should be no need for scientific proof to dissuade people from leaving their babies to cry alone but that it should be considered a moral issue. I agree.
I also agree with her final point that despite this arguement, in our culture it is necessary to have the hard evidence close to hand.
04:31 Posted in Modern Life Is Rubbish , Recommended Reading | Permalink
Comments
While I wholeheartedly agree that letting an infant cry alone in the dark is cruel, I have to admit that sometimes the only way my daughter can sleep is to cry. I don't leave her in a room alone, I hold her while she cries, but if she is really wound up, she doesn't want to sleep, period. This is especially true at her grandparent's house. She is so excited to be there that she refuses to sleep for hours past her bedtime, getting crankier and crankier with each passing hour. Eventually it reaches a point (and I have come to know exactly where that it) when there is no sense in trying to console her by giving her more food or playing or whatever. The fact is that less than 30 seconds of crying completely undoes all the hyperactivity. It is amazing to watch actually, hyper cranky child transformed into sleeping angel with only 30 seconds of anguish. Once again though, I don't isolate her, she is in my arms or next to me on the couch the whole time.
Sometimes I have to even be "coercive" though, and put her back on the couch when she wants to get up and run around some more (and get even crankier from lack of sleep). That is where I don't quite understand your desire for complete lack of coercion. The fact is that sometimes parents really do know whats best for their kids, and sometimes the children disagree strongly. An obvious example is when she wants to do something dangerous, like run out in a street or play with the shards of the teacup she just broke. I'll gladly make her cry and force her to do something she doesn't want to do (and send the implicit message that she really doesn't always know whats best) that risk having her run over or cut herself. The question is where to draw the line, and obviously most parents take this way to far.
The reason I'm bringing this up is that I remember a previous post in which you were wondering how to get your kids to go to sleep with out coercing them. Now, I haven't read the continuum concept, as it seems fairly self explanatory. It makes sense, so I don't need to read the book. If the book says that stone-age mothers never coerce their children, though, I would say that obviously stone age mothers don't have to deal with as many dangerous situations. And I don't buy that anyway, I mean please, what stone-age mom would let their child run into a river or pick up a poisonous insect?
Posted by: limukala | 07/21/2006
Limukala
While I say that zero coercion is the ideal, it is only that - an ideal. Reading the Continuum Concept gave me an idea of what is actually possible in human relations but raising a child in western civilisation the same way is impossible. I can't shield my children from the negative behavioural aspects of our culture - mostly because they're in me but also as you say there is a lot of dangerous stuff in our world. I think I've said this elsewhere (although I'm not sure where) but I'm totally in charge when it comes to cars and roads. I tell my kids (Under 5 currently) that it's dangerous and they must do what I ask. It's a fairly reasonable request and they usually comply.
If I were to just tell them to do what I want all the time they would rebel - which I think is perfectly natural even though the majority of people seem to think otherwise. To be honest even though I advocate zero coercion not a day goes by where I don't use it, sometimes it's necessary as you say and sometimes I'm using it as an easy option to get what I want or because I'm too tired to think of a better way (and coercion is always my reflex response when I'm tired).
I think we're all trying to walk the line between coercion and another option. the only problem is there are no other options on display in our culture which is why a lot of parents are not very consistent. They've only been shown coercive models of parenting but they love their kids too and a lot of the time they just dont' want to be an enforcer so they sort of swing back and forth indecisively.
You wrote:
"And I don't buy that anyway, I mean please, what stone-age mom would let their child run into a river or pick up a poisonous insect?"
The concept of non-coercion is easy enough to understand but to understand the context where it works you really need to read the book. Obviously they don't have speeding cars that are too much for a child's judgement but they really do leave a lot up to the children. The author described seeing a baby sitting by the edge of a pit, she said she was about to rush out and scoop it up when she realised that no one else was worried even though plenty of adults could see it. From that she came to understand that even babies have an inate sense of self preservation that we in our culture tend to undermine by 'rescuing' them all the time.
Their children would never run into a dangerous river but it is safe to say that ours might, not just because we have undermined their judgement but also because their need to rebel is so overwhelming, I mean we show greater respect to prisoners than we do to children in out society. In the case of my kids the oldest one shows clear sign of rebellion because of my inability to be totally non-coercive, I try to make some 'space' for this expression, it's pretty messy but I think it's more important that she isn't forced to bottle up her frustration than it is for her to 'look' lilke a good child. Maybe then when she's a parent she won't be unacountably angry at times like I seem to be. Also because I try to minimise the amount of coercion she is still in touch with her own judgement and she generally doesn't do the sort of completely mad stuff that you see some small children doing.
Posted by: Aaron | 07/21/2006
Post a comment
Sorry Blogspirit insists on an email address before posting but doesn't seem to do anything with it. Try writing fake@fake.com if you want